你有五分鐘的時(shí)間準(zhǔn)備迎接一名闖進(jìn)你家想要?dú)⑺滥愕娜恕Ｄ悴荒茈x開(kāi)房間。你的生存策略是什么？

hypersp00p
Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.

把淋浴器打開(kāi)。不知道為什么我衣柜后頭有一把鐵鍬？所以拿起來(lái)。等他去看淋浴器，就用鐵鍬給他一下子。梆。

300Savage
The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary obxtive is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.

鐵鍬真的太不受重視了。等你的主要任務(wù)完成之后，你就可以出去挖坑了。

DubTheeBustocles
Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.

用膠帶綁幾把刀子到落地?zé)舻臒粽稚?，造一把致盲之槍，然后瘋了一樣開(kāi)捅。

MeisterColin
Spear of blinding is a severely underrated weapon AND band name

致盲之槍是被嚴(yán)重低估的武器名，以及樂(lè)隊(duì)名

Old_Equivalent3858
Spear of Blinding

致盲之槍

+5 spirit +100 whoop ass

+5精神 +100干他媽的

Titan_Food
Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lmao. Take my upvote

我現(xiàn)在腦補(bǔ)出了一個(gè)裸男拿著那把致盲之槍一邊喊一邊沖向闖入他房間的人，笑死我了。給你點(diǎn)個(gè)贊。

mallechilio
Sadly improvised weapons only do about 1d4 damage

可惜簡(jiǎn)易制作的武器只能造成1d4的傷害

DeadEndHate
I'm just imagining you running at the murderer with your blinding spear and you both freeze in confusion when the lamp unplugs long before you get to them.

我只是想象了一下你拿著你的致盲之槍沖向殺手，然后你的落地?zé)舨孱^掉了，你倆都愣在原地了。

Arrow3619
Corner camp with a shotgun

拿噴子蹲墻角

CoMMoN_EnEmY01
FUCKING CAMPER YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD BRO

操你媽的蹲逼不會(huì)玩別玩

IamGlennBeck
Don't forget the claymores.

別忘了闊劍地雷。

manateeguitar
Peeking with an AWP is more effective

用大狙Peek顯然更有效。

RicoSuave1881
Yeah this definitely doesn’t seem like a US oriented question lol

太對(duì)了這顯然不是給美國(guó)人提的問(wèn)題哈哈哈

Guvnuh_T_Boggs
It's not camping, it's aggressively waiting.

這不是蹲逼，這是進(jìn)攻性等待。

Redacted_G1iTcH
Imagine getting shot and your killer does Fortnite dances over your dying body

想象一下你被一槍崩死，然后殺你的人在你的尸體上跳堡壘之夜里的舞

Omegalazarus
Imagine dying while calling your killer a n00b

想象一下臨死之前說(shuō)殺死你的人是個(gè)菜逼

EnderNate124
Go into third person perspective

切換到第三人稱視角

Cpt_Soban
crouch wiggling left and right

一邊蹲著一邊左右晃

BustedBastard
I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.

我在另一個(gè)房間把吸塵器準(zhǔn)備好。等他一進(jìn)來(lái)我就把吸塵器打開(kāi)讓他分心，然后在他檢查吸塵器的時(shí)候我就跳出來(lái)，用我留著當(dāng)武器的2英寸鋼管給他的腦瓜子狠狠來(lái)一下。

Cannabis_Sir
Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room

往我的腦袋上放個(gè)燈罩，然后站在房子角落

ThatDude8129
Ah yes, a classic of the adult film industry

太對(duì)了，成人電影行業(yè)的經(jīng)典

dodexahedron
What are you doing, step lamp?

你在做什么，后燈？

juicius
Works if you're mostly a leg.

如果你渾身就是條腿的話說(shuō)不定管用。

A nice leg.

而且是一條好腿。

lightning-round947
Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.

燒上熱水。他會(huì)被潑一臉的開(kāi)水，同時(shí)與我擁有的最鋒利的刀來(lái)一次親密接觸。

PsychonautDad
add sugar to that water and you are now golden

往水里放點(diǎn)糖，你就無(wú)敵了

other_usernames_gone
Prison napalm

監(jiān)獄自制凝固汽油彈

Street-Analysis490
Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.

沒(méi)錯(cuò)，最好是往開(kāi)水里再放點(diǎn)糖和鹽。糖是用來(lái)增加燒傷系數(shù)，讓你能燒到肌肉而不只是皮膚，而大量的鹽能夠帶來(lái)我們樂(lè)意見(jiàn)到的更劇烈的刺痛。

FishAndRiceKeks
Add some carrot and an onion for flavor.

再加點(diǎn)胡蘿卜和洋蔥提味。

Charming_Love2522
Wait how does this help

等等放糖為什么有用

Inverted-penis
I’m fairly sure the sugar makes it adhesive

我很確定糖會(huì)讓開(kāi)水變得有粘性

So now you have a 100*C paste stuck to your face

所以現(xiàn)在糊在你臉上的就是100攝氏度的漿糊了。

PsychonautDad
yep, it sticks and brings your melting skin with it

沒(méi)錯(cuò)，它會(huì)糊在你身上，并且會(huì)帶著你融化的皮膚一起淌下來(lái)。

_Weyland_
How much sugar are we talking about? Like, fully saturated mixture? Keep adding more until it stops dissolving?

最好加多少糖？就，完全飽和的溶液？一直加直到停止溶解？

PsychonautDad
just to get it thick enough to make it like a watery gel, the more you add the stickier it gets. Its all personal preference really

一直倒糖，直到變成凝膠一樣的狀態(tài)就行。你加的糖越多，它就越粘稠。全看個(gè)人喜好。

Fyrefawx
Right idea, wrong liquid. Heat up oil. Oil burns are so much worse and will cling to the attacker.

想法不錯(cuò)，液體錯(cuò)了。應(yīng)該燒油。熱油造成的燙傷要嚴(yán)重的多，并且也能掛在襲擊者身上。

ItsMyView
Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.

給我的霰彈槍上好子彈，然后在地板上鋪一張大塑料布。然后等著就行了。

IBeTrippin
Smart. Keep the cleaning bill low.

聰明。省了一筆打掃的費(fèi)用。

H0rnsD0wn
Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.

去我自己的房間，拿起我的手槍，對(duì)我自己開(kāi)一槍以避免進(jìn)行任何社交的可能性。

CarlSpencer
"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre

“他人即地獄?！薄?保羅·薩特

drklunk
The only correct response

唯一正確的回應(yīng)

haxoreni
Adolf is that you?

阿道夫，是你嗎？

Powerful_Lynx_4737
My husband said why wouldn’t they shoot the attacker, I said cause then they’d have to deal with the police. I approve, my husband on the other hand does not.

我丈夫說(shuō)為什么他們不開(kāi)槍打死那個(gè)襲擊者，我說(shuō)那樣他們就得跟警察打交道了。我同意，我丈夫不同意。

justalittleparanoia
Why not just stand in front of the door they're coming in through and shoot them the moment they get through?

為什么不站在他們進(jìn)來(lái)的正門(mén)口，等他們一進(jìn)來(lái)就沖他們開(kāi)槍呢？

H0rnsD0wn
Good grief man, do you have ANY idea how many questions the cops would be asking????

我的天哪兄弟，你到底知不知道警察會(huì)問(wèn)你多少問(wèn)題？

HakaishinNola
heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start.

呵呵……我是個(gè)美國(guó)人。我有五分鐘的時(shí)間做準(zhǔn)備。

so anyway, I started blasting..

反正不管怎么著，我就開(kāi)始突突了……

schmearcampain
Make sure he gets inside the house a bit before you blast him. Looks fishy if the guy is outside and you have to drag him in.

你得確保他走進(jìn)你家的門(mén)，然后再把他崩了。要是那人還沒(méi)進(jìn)門(mén)呢你硬把他拖進(jìn)來(lái)，那看起來(lái)可能會(huì)有點(diǎn)可疑。

Ashrewishjewish
Hollow points already loaded dudes fucked

空尖彈已經(jīng)裝好了，丫等著倒霉吧。

remembering_the_90s
Plenty of time to drink a beer or two first.

甚至有時(shí)間喝一兩瓶啤酒。

holybatjunk
Right?! like, a WHOLE 5 minutes?! a whole 5 minutes is a long time in American home defense time.

對(duì)吧？！就，整整五分鐘？！整整五分鐘對(duì)于美國(guó)人捍衛(wèi)家庭的時(shí)間來(lái)說(shuō)可太長(zhǎng)了。

BlackDeath3
Right, this is the most softball question if you're American.

太對(duì)了，對(duì)于美國(guó)人來(lái)說(shuō)這真的是最直球的問(wèn)題了。

"Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll just post up with a firearm trained on the single entrance to my apartment and see what happens."

“哦，不好說(shuō)，可能我就直接拿起公寓門(mén)口的槍看看接下來(lái)怎么著吧?！?br />
HelpfulHeels
It would take me about 90 seconds to put on the body armor…man I should bring that upstairs.

我可能需要花90秒的時(shí)間把防彈衣穿上……哎我就應(yīng)該把它帶上樓的。

MRPenguin607
Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.

拔出我14英寸長(zhǎng)的假屌，將他毆打至死。

outta_luck_2022
Pull it out of where, exactly?

從哪拔出來(lái)的？

WorkingClassSheep
Hairspray and a lighter to his face.

沖他的臉噴發(fā)膠，以及打火機(jī)。

Gruesomegiggles
My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.

我丈夫肯定很喜歡你。蒼蠅拍不管用的時(shí)候，他就會(huì)這么把蟲(chóng)子給燒死。我曾經(jīng)嚇得半死，害怕他把窗簾給燎了。

corkedcoffeemug
lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this

先把我家狗鎖起來(lái)，因?yàn)槲也幌胱屗麄円?jiàn)到

get fully naked and cover myself with olive oil

脫個(gè)一絲不掛，然后渾身涂滿橄欖油

place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course

輕輕地把一柄刀子塞進(jìn)我的后門(mén)，當(dāng)然是把手朝上塞進(jìn)去

turn off all the lights

關(guān)掉所有的燈

when the assailant enters, i turn on only the light of the room we're both in

殺手進(jìn)來(lái)的時(shí)候，我只把我們兩個(gè)人所在的屋子的燈的打開(kāi)

they are shocked, they may even laugh. they arent ready...

他們都蒙了。他們甚至可能會(huì)笑出來(lái)。他們沒(méi)準(zhǔn)備好……

i scream and run at them, again they do not feel threatened

我大喊一聲朝他們跑去，他們還是覺(jué)得沒(méi)有威脅

when i am within 2 feet i unsheathe my concealed blade and apply it to the assailants throat.

跑到兩尺之內(nèi)，我就從后面寶刀出鞘，刺向殺手的喉嚨

RedditJanniesTears
What if you did a like 720 and slit his throat with the knife in your ass?

你要是做個(gè)空中720度轉(zhuǎn)體然后屁股夾著刀子把他們的喉嚨劃開(kāi)豈不更帥？

livelyfellow
place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course

引用：“輕輕地把一柄刀子塞進(jìn)我的后門(mén)，當(dāng)然是把手朝上塞進(jìn)去”

thank you for clarifying

感謝你特別指出

Jamesmateer100
Do you take the blade out of your ass, or do you stab him bumblebee style?

你是把刀子從屁股里拔出來(lái)，還是直接像蜜蜂那樣捅他？（譯注：蜜蜂我真繃不住了）

Masosalt
Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him

用馬其頓語(yǔ)大喊亂七八糟的罵人話，然后一邊扔?xùn)|西一邊用吸塵器的管子打他

ninenation
Get the gun and dial 911.

拿起槍，然后打911

neighbor_jim
Real AmericansTM dial 1911

真正的美國(guó)人?都打1911（譯注：M1911，著名手槍）

NexusOne99
Get the 1911 and dial gun.

拿起1911，然后打槍

Revolutionary-Tiger
As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."

正如一名睿智的工程師曾經(jīng)說(shuō)過(guò)的，“我該怎么阻止某個(gè)狗娘養(yǎng)的在我的后背開(kāi)一個(gè)大口子？”他的回答是，“答案是拿一把槍。如果不管用，就多拿幾把槍?！?br />
sharkboss3
laughs in American

用美式英語(yǔ)放聲大笑

L3f7y04
American:"Fucking FINALLY"

美國(guó)人：“他媽的可算等著了”

Lngtmelrker
Haha. Yeah, this question took me a second. Like, “what else would you do besides grab your gun???”

哈哈。太對(duì)了。這種問(wèn)題讓我愣了一秒鐘。我想，“除了拿起槍還有別的選項(xiàng)嗎？”

DaddyThiccThighz
We'd take too long to decide which one to use

我們可能要花太長(zhǎng)時(shí)間考慮用哪吧。

FaunPerson
I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.

我用沙發(fā)的那把槍。不行的話就書(shū)架上那把。還不行的話就廚房里那把。再不行就衛(wèi)生間，臥室，或者洗衣間那把。我還是比較喜歡臥室那把。

ColdDeck130
This guy Americas!

這家伙夠美國(guó)！

FixNo3423
Who says I want to survive? Dude can go ahead.

誰(shuí)說(shuō)我想活著了？讓那哥們自便吧。

Terraplex
"Make it quick. I haven't got all day!"

“整快點(diǎn)，我沒(méi)一整天跟你耗！”

Jimathee_tm
I live in the US of A. I've been preparing for this moment my whole life.

我在美利堅(jiān)合眾國(guó)生活。我這輩子都在準(zhǔn)備著這一刻。

SaltyDangerHands
I'm going to unlock the door, first off, no sense wasting money on fixing whatever damage the idiot does, then I'm going to spend about four minutes and fifty seconds desperately trying to teach my dogs about "restraint". I may take some time to put down newspaper or towels where I think most of the blood will wind up.

首先我要把打開(kāi)，省得那幫蠢貨把我的門(mén)砸壞了我還得花錢(qián)修，然后大概花4分鐘50秒的時(shí)間盡量教會(huì)我的狗怎么學(xué)會(huì)“克制”。我或許得在血最有可能濺出來(lái)的地方鋪上點(diǎn)報(bào)紙或者毛巾之類的。

I wasn't home the last time this happened, two men broke in and menaced my tenant at the time, and the dogs I had then, which is not quite all the dogs I have now, put them both in the hospital. I have four dogs that come in at 500+ lbs combined, the biggest two have done this before.

上次這種事情發(fā)生的時(shí)候我不在家。兩個(gè)男的闖進(jìn)了我家，對(duì)我的租客造成了威脅。當(dāng)時(shí)我養(yǎng)的狗，盡管不是我現(xiàn)在養(yǎng)的了，還是把那兩個(gè)人送進(jìn)了醫(yī)院。我現(xiàn)在養(yǎng)了四只狗，加起來(lái)總重超過(guò)500磅，最大的兩只狗之前經(jīng)歷過(guò)這種事。

On top of that, I'm a literal ogre, I'm a big guy and I do "Farm chores" on the regular, which anyone who's ever lived on a farm can tell you breed a specific type of strength. I also have a whole pile of swords, axes, spears, and the like, so I genuinely wish anyone that tries the best of luck, I hope they aren't permanently maimed in the effort.

此外，我自己也長(zhǎng)得跟食人魔差不多，我塊頭很大，并且經(jīng)?！案赊r(nóng)活”，任何在農(nóng)場(chǎng)里住過(guò)的人都知道這會(huì)讓你鍛煉出特別的力量。我還有一大堆的劍，斧頭，矛之類的，所以我發(fā)自內(nèi)心地祝愿任何試著闖進(jìn)我家的人好運(yùn)。我希望他們闖的時(shí)候別落下什么永久性的殘疾。

Flotherguy
I throw a chair at him

我朝他仍把椅子。

Then another chair

然后再扔一把。

tobesteve
Now he has two chairs, so he'll feel silly if he came alone, and will leave of embarrassment.

現(xiàn)在他就有兩把椅子了。所以他會(huì)因?yàn)樽约阂粋€(gè)人來(lái)的而感到羞恥，在尷尬中離開(kāi)。

EmoBandKid
People are talking about guns and stuff, I'd put on a Halloween mask and have a chain saw. He'd shit his pants 100%

大伙都在說(shuō)槍什么的，我戴個(gè)萬(wàn)圣節(jié)面具再拿個(gè)鏈鋸，他100%會(huì)把屎都嚇出來(lái)。

Blackstone611
Zastava M70 (Hungarian AK-47 variant) with two loaded magazines, a Taurus 856 .38 revolver with hollow points, and a baseball bat. I won't be trapped in a house with them, they'll be trapped in a house with me!

扎斯塔瓦M(jìn)70（匈牙利的AK-47），兩個(gè)壓滿的彈匣，一把裝上空尖彈的Taurus 856 .38口徑左輪，再戴一頂棒球帽。不是我被和他困在一個(gè)房子里，是他被和我困在一個(gè)房子里！

Vovkovych
The Zastava is Yugoslavian not Hungarian. And now the factory is in Serbia.

扎斯塔瓦是南斯拉夫的兵工廠，不是匈牙利的。工廠現(xiàn)在在塞爾維亞。

ThatRandomDev
Tell him "Stop. i do not want to be touched or injured" He cannot legally murder you without your consent.

跟他說(shuō)“停下，我不想被你碰也不想受到傷害?！睕](méi)有你的許可，他不能合法地謀殺你。

ZekeKelly2021
Have my wife start bitching at him. He’ll leave.

讓我老婆開(kāi)始串他閑話。他肯定走。

Reloaded9mm
Defend yourself, not torture the guy.

讓你自衛(wèi)，沒(méi)讓你虐待他人。

speaker4the-dead
How long does it take for me to get a life insurance policy?

現(xiàn)在買(mǎi)一份人身保險(xiǎn)需要花多久？

Asking for a friend

替我一個(gè)朋友問(wèn)的

Ainsley_express
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

為了保衛(wèi)家庭，買(mǎi)一把滑膛槍吧，因?yàn)檫@就是國(guó)父的意愿。四個(gè)惡棍闖進(jìn)了我的房間?！昂畏窖酰俊蔽乙贿吥闷饟淞朔鄣募侔l(fā)和肯塔基步槍一邊說(shuō)。在第一個(gè)人身上打出一個(gè)高爾夫球大小的洞，他當(dāng)場(chǎng)死亡。拔出手槍對(duì)準(zhǔn)第二個(gè)人，結(jié)果完全沒(méi)打中，因?yàn)槭謽屖腔诺?，結(jié)果打中了鄰居家的狗。我只能后撤到樓梯上的加農(nóng)炮上，里面已經(jīng)裝好了開(kāi)花彈?！斑荆园骋慌?！”開(kāi)花彈撕碎了兩人，巨大的聲響和碎片引發(fā)了汽車(chē)報(bào)警器。我裝好刺刀，向最后一個(gè)落荒而逃的鼠輩發(fā)起沖鋒。他在等待警察抵達(dá)現(xiàn)場(chǎng)的過(guò)程中失血而死，因?yàn)槿獯痰兜膫谑遣豢赡芸p合的。正如國(guó)父的意愿。